At the beginning of every year, there is a common trend among upper and middle-class households in Nigeria: the house-girl goes for Christmas and does not return. This sudden change in the family dynamics causes an unexpected imbalance in how the household is run. The responsibility of getting the family operations running smoothly falls solely on Oga & Madam. In some cases, it’s really just the Madam that is running around packing school lunches, and getting the children ready for the day; but, we’re not going to get into the finer details of the balance of burden within Nigerian households. Stay focused, Atoke. This article is about the domestic staff and why they should have access to condoms and contraceptives in general.

Anyway, so usually, when these house-helps go away for the holidays, they never return. Sometimes, it’s because of unfair work policies or hazardous work environments. Other times, it’s because they’re seeking higher wages and trying to re-negotiate higher contracts with another employer. And many times, it is because they’ve gone to start a family. They’ve been married off, as young women from economically disadvantaged families usually are. Sometimes, the women ‘fall’ pregnant, and when they feel helpless and without options, they run away – or go back home. They go through the difficulty of pregnancy, alone, poor, disadvantaged, and with no prospect of a job to return to. The cycle of poverty continues.

The subject of the welfare of domestic staff is something that has been highlighted multiple times on BellaNaija. To a large extent, our readers and contributors have discussed the pros and cons of working with domestic staff in their homes. The good, the bad and the ugly – it’s all been laid bare on BN. However, addressing the sexual/reproductive health rights of domestic workers is not one that has been covered (to the best of my knowledge). And no, this isn’t about Oga Mike sleeping with Eliza the maid.

Upon bringing young girls (not the nine-year-olds that some child slavers traffic) from the recruitment agents or directly from the village, suburban women often carry out STD/HIV/ HepB/C tests on these young women. These tests are a condition to employment, and they’re generally carried out on maids/nannies, because, well … “I don’t want someone who will be taking care of my child to have hepatitis C.” Right or wrong, the sentiment is understandable (somewhat).

Alongside these medical checks for diseases are also pregnancy tests. Upper/middle class women ensure that they test their domestic staff for pregnancy – because they don’t want to hire pregnant house girls. Imagine if one company refused to hire you because you’re pregnant … the uproar would be out of this world. But, we do it to others. Privilege is a real thing.

Anyway, moving on swiftly: how can you help improve the efficiency of service of your domestic staff? How can you eliminate the risk of your house-girl running away after Christmas because she got pregnant? How do you ensure that your maid/nanny does not ‘fall’ pregnant and disrupt your regular family programming? How do you ensure that your driver is not impregnating all the women within his sex register?

Provide your domestic staff with sexual health education. Provide a wholesome welfare package for them that includes their sexual and reproductive healthcare.

Listen, your house-girl is having sex; heck, she’s probably shagging your driver, your gateman and or your husband (sex positivity), but only one person will most likely lose their job when they get caught: the house-girl. Because God forbid someone whose salary you’re paying, is having sex. Your gateman is having sex; your driver is working through his hoe-tation right now. So how about you provide them with condoms? Teach them how to use it (don’t assume everyone knows how to have safe sex); and have an open, candid conversation about the importance of practicing safe sex.

In addition, consider taking your domestic staff to the clinic for contraceptives. Now, before you roll your eyes at this, and gasp at what you think is an absurd suggestion, here’s where my mind is at: people will always have sex. Sex is enjoyable and pleasurable and it is not within the exclusive purview of people who earn a certain income. The enjoyment of sexual activities cuts across economic and social lines. Your domestic helps are having sex – whether with air conditioning or squeaky standing fans as ventilation; whether they’re doing it in the master bedroom, in the pool or in the shago behind the apartment … they’re having sex.

I believe that it is in the interest of all parties involved that sexual/reproductive health education is provided for domestic staff. They’re able to remain safe while having sex, and there’s no need for hiding or pretending like they’re not having sex. As long as they’re not having sex while they’re supposed to be watching 2-year-old Toluwanimi (even though some of you are having oral sex at your Zenith bank cubicles; remember, this is a no-judgement zone) ensure that your adult domestic staff are well equipped to handle their sexual and reproductive health affairs.

Finally, while we’re on the subject of being decent employers and all of that jazz, take time to speak to your female domestic staff about their menstrual health hygiene. Talk to them about how much access they have to sanitary pads/towels. If they need education on how to use pads, teach them. Don’t just buy a pack of Always and give them, assuming that they know how to use it. Sometimes, these women are coming from backgrounds where they only used washcloths. This is the reality of indigent women; please resist the urge to assume that they know or should know. Teach them how often they should change their underwear. Don’t just complain that your maid smells, and laugh at her with your friends during book club. That’s not nice. Take time to show them. The fact that someone came to your house at 28 does not mean that they’ve had the same exposure to menstrual health care, as you.

Provide condoms for your drivers and gatemen. If possible, find out where the primary health care centre in your neighbourhood is. Direct them to make regular checks at the clinics. You can even make it a fun activity; invite your friend who is a doctor to come to the house and talk about sexual, reproductive health rights with your staff. Someone taught you, pay it forward by teaching others. It is very easy to overlook these things, because of the shroud of secrecy that we have placed over sex. We act like it’s this big issue that nobody should talk about, when in reality … kini big deal? Two adults having consensual sex … kini big deal?

Remember, kindness is so important; please don’t violate their trust or privacy by talking about whatever they tell you. Also, don’t insist on being there when the doctor is talking to them. There’s an episode of Jenifa’s Diary that irks me to no end every time I think about it. Jenifa took her staff to the clinic to get HIV tests, and right there in the waiting room she asked them to disclose their results to her. In true, loud Jenifa fashion, she continued to violate their rights to privacy by screaming their test results at the loudest octave.

That episode was probably written to advocate for regular testing for HIV/AIDs, but the execution was piss poor.

Let us all do better.

Peace, love & cucumber slices.

However, that’s all done now because Molly (her character name on Insecure) bagged herself a man and interestingly enough, he’s also on that journey of abstinence, is Nigerian (his Igbo name is Chinedum) and he has a job (he’s a former NFL player turned ESPN Analyst). Talk about a dunk in the net!

The couple is currently on vacation in Mexico, and they aren’t being shy about making the rest of us jealous on Instagram. From sandy workouts on the beach to the ocean view, to, of course, taking a few relationship goal photos for Instagram (PS: We know we told you not to buy into #couplegoals, we haven’t forgotten but finding someone on the same spiritual journey as you is always worth celebrating. We know how hard it is out here in the streets, let’s celebrate with a sister).

The couple has been dating for a couple of months, although we’re not sure how long, the actress made it instagram official in May.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BjAyZmhHvJ8/?taken-by=yvonneorji

Anyway, let’s get right down to it. Here’s the prayer she says she prayed to find this fine man:

“Dear God,
May he have abs like David
Skin like Sampson
A smile like Joseph
Fingernails like Solomon
Eyebrows like John The Baptist & A heart (and finances) like yours
In Jesus’ Name
Amen”

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bkv0fjbHlhK/?taken-by=yvonneorji

Can I get an Amen somebody?

Photo Credit: Instagram|Yvonne Orji

However, when entering into a relationship; many casually sit at the table with no idea what it is they would require from the commitment of the other party, failing to ask the relevant critical questions before delving into such a delicate partnership.

To build a successful relationship, both parties must know pre-relationship, what exactly they need from it.

To assist you, we’ve come up with a few questions that you should have answers to before choosing to commit.

We’ve narrowed it down to 9 questions to guide you:

1. How well do I know Him?
Don’t trust someone until you know them. The knowledge of a person is as deep as having your instincts connecting to theirs well enough that you can pre-empt them in certain situations. You’ll also have an idea what they’re truly capable of. Anyone can pretend to be something they are not. To best know them, study what they’re like in their natural environments e.g around family, friends, the things they say passively and how they treat people that they do not need. Observe, Observe, Observe.

“What kind of family does he/she come from? That was their foundation and upbringing until they left home. No matter how far we travel, those development years left a huge impression on who we are, and who we’re likely to resort back to when we’re older.”

2. Can I trust him with my secrets?
If they share your private conversations with others, walk away or have a serious discussion about that issue. If you don’t take care about this now, chances are you’ll only resent them later.

3. Can I enjoy his company even in the silence? 
If they can’t enjoy the silence with you and you need some form of activity to be ongoing to have a good time with them then it might be evidence that there’s a lot going on inside them and they need the noise for distraction. Or maybe all the bond you have is based on those activities that you both partake in.

4. Will this person change me for the better?

You become the sum total of the people you spend the most time with. You will spend a large quantity of your time with the person you date and then hopefully eventually marry, so this needs to be at the back of your mind when looking to build a relationship with a prospective gentleman.  Remember that you will marry a person you date. So ask this question early.

5. Am I attracted to their heart and character?
Physical attraction is key, however, the heart and character of a person are the very core of what they’re made up of. You need to check that his heart and character are in line with everything you stand for and value. Besides being good to you, is he a good man?

6. Does he/she appreciate me for who I am right now?
If they’re trying to change you, they’re not ready for a relationship. Plain and simple. The most mature, loving people I’ve ever encountered loved me for just who I was. The only time they called me out is when they knew I was knowingly or unknowingly about to hurt myself or others, and they were protecting me.

They might challenge you, which is a very good thing. But that is very different than someone trying to change you. Beware not to confuse these two.

7. How does he/she already treat people they love most?
I don’t mean during holidays or time spent after long periods apart, but every day. This will require spending a lot of time together with their families. If that’s impossible, don’t forget that this side of them, who they truly are, is a side you haven’t been exposed to yet.

I’ve met plenty of people who told me that their partners or spouses completely changed when they were back in the comforts and security of their families.

8. Does he/she strive to place my desires and needs first?
I understand the importance of giving and receiving. But if the person you’re with has the attitude of, “My desires are above yours,” they’re not ready for a relationship. They still have some growing up to do.

I’ve met plenty of people who believe the world revolves around them, rather than embracing the simple truth that we are all part of a universe.

We are a part of the human community within a universe. That universe nor its members are here to grant us our dreams and wishes. Until we realize this, we will live very selfishly and never understand what it will take to nurture and grow healthy relationships.

Clear warning signs: Temper tantrums, outbursts of anger, control issues and their believing you should read their minds to know their wants and desires without having to communicate them to you.

9. Are their hopes and dreams for the future compatible with yours?
Do they want a partnership where both are working in the corporate world or a traditional role where one partner stays home? Do they know where they’d like to settle? How does that tie into your future plans? Because it is also important that your future doesn’t take a back seat should you marry this person. Or else chances are that you will eventually grow to resent them.

Though it’s important to remind ourselves that our desires and interests change as we grow older, it’s still important to discuss these issues.

Are there any more questions you never asked your partner that came back to bite you in the end? Do feel free to share in the comment box below.

“My grandmother taught me about self pleasuring because she wanted me to know that pleasuring was from me and she didn’t want me to think that when a man gave me pleasure, that it was him and to depend on him in that way.”

Jada Pinkett is back at it again with her jaw dropping conversations back at the Red Table talk show which she hosts with her mum, fondly called, Gammy and her daughter, Willow Smith. You might have to grab a seat for this one. It was no surprise that the 46-year-old actress, whose unconventional approach to life, would seep into other areas such as sexuality but, even we didn’t see this coming. Upon explaining further, she revealed that she abstained from sex partly because of this introduction she was given. I mean think about it, she didn’t have to engage in meaningless sex for a few moments of pleasure with a random man when she could do it herself? I guess in this way, she was taught a level of independence even down to her views on sex.

Despite the gasp-worthy moments, we also learnt a number of things from the mother of 2 and bonus mom of 1. She admits to knowing when both sons lost their virginity because it’s an ‘energy’ thing. “I can always tell even with your friends,” she tells Willow, who seemed pretty uncomfortable throughout the entire conversation – although that might have been due to her walking in on her parents having sex when she was much younger.

Jaden wasn’t allowed sleep overs and neither were you, Willow.

She also spoke about being a mother to children of both sexes who she admits to being protective of in the same manner.  Weighing in on the idea that female children are more susceptible to sexual abuse, she gave her alternative opinion, stating that she had known of many young men who had been sexually abused or molested as kids. When she said this, I found myself quipping, “Louder for the people at the back!” So many men I have met over the course of my life would admit to their first sexual experience was with an older woman who did something to them that at the time, seemed weird but enjoyable. Ergo, it wasn’t consensual. It’s important for parents to protect their children irrespective of their sexes.

“So many women I know have never had orgasms because they are not in tune with their sexuality”.

On this, Gammy weighs in speaking about how in her time, good girls were not supposed to enjoy sex. The 64-year-old who got pregnant with Jada at 18 spoke about how finding her sexuality and learning to embrace it was a painful experience, because she had no clue that she was supposed to enjoy it. She further stated that in the era when she grew up, as a woman, sex, was almost seen as an abomination to speak about. She admits that her mother’s sex education with Jada was by far, different from her experience, as she was told that boys were evil and she ought to stay away.

Sex is to be enjoyed when you are ready and are able to love yourself, they all conclude. ‘There’s no rush’, Gammy adds to which Willow looks relieved.

I found myself watching this video thinking that  I may need to rethink how I believed my sex education with my future kids would go. But, what say you?

Photo Credit: Red Table Talk