As we celebrate International Women’s Day today, her story reminds us that “balance for better” is more than just a catch phrase. Damola reminds us that when we balance our faith in God with our human expectations, a beautiful thing happens – God takes the wheel and gives our situation a total makeover, and in the end, we are better for it.

When and how did you first gain an awareness about God?
I was born into a Christian home so I have always been aware of God. As a child, I had the sort of relationship that is expected of a child – I loved Bible club, the Christian videos etc.

My teenage years were a bit of a blur as I suffered a loss that disconnected me from the reality of God. So, I always knew God was there, but if we were going to have a personal relationship, He was going to have to catch my attention big time – I wanted my burning bush experience!

In 2011, I was to undergo a surgical procedure and I said to God, now is your time to show me who you are. I was radical about it, I didn’t know how He was going to do it , but I wasn’t having any surgery. A few months down the line, I travelled to the UK to have the procedeure. Two days before the scheduled surgery date, I had a routine consultation with the doctor where he talked me through the procedure and any questions I had ( my main concern was anaesthesia – what if I didn’t wake up!). Anyway, after the consultation, the Doctor looked at me and said he didn’t think undergoing the procedure was necessary any longer and cancelled. He cancelled the scheduled surgery!

That day was it for me. I was, and still am, in awe of a God that was willing to come down to meet me right where I am. A God that will do whatever it takes to prove Himself to you.

How has your journey with God been since then?
Have you ever heard the phrase “walk with Jesus and you will never walk alone”? This is what it has been for me. It hasn’t been the easiest or smoothest of rides and there have definitely been times that have caused to momentarily question my faith. But as I have continue to strive to grow as a Christian, God has consistently shown Himself to be an amazing father and friend – I have found joy in the midst of pain, stumbled on love in some very dark places and gained the confidence to be myself.

As a Nigerian millennial woman, were you ever influenced by societal pressure to get married by a certain age?
In my teenage years, I had it all worked out – get married at 24 and have 4 kids by 30. This was just what I assumed the natural progression of life was. This didn’t happen. I wasn’t even married by my 30^th birthday.  At about 25/26 most of my friends were getting married and having babies, there was definitely some pressure there but it wasn’t something I let influence me.

You recently got married, congrats! How’s newlywed life treating you?
Thank you! It has been a great journey so far. As I always say “we are learning everyday”

How did you meet your husband?
We met at Church. We were both on the launch team for a youth church and leadership team after inception. One day, he asked me to coffee, I said “sure,” we went to the café… the rest as they say, is history!

In what ways did your faith in God play a role in picking your spouse?
Honestly, I did not always use faith as a guide when choosing the relationships I got into earlier. So, I always say my marital destiny was special to God’s heart because He was constantly uprooting me from the wrong relationships – one day I’m in a relationship, the next it is over. I just knew in my heart that God wanted the best for me and that my husband must be a physical representation of God’s love for me. So I was always glad for His interventions!

One day, I was having a heartfelt sincere tête-à-tête with God about why I seemed to not be making the right decisions about my relationships. And God said to me clearly, that his desire for me was a relationship where we will both complement each other’s ministries –  in God’s actual words “someone who you will do ministry together”. I remember laughing out loud and saying to God, as if the pool of eligible men isn’t small enough, you are adding ministry into it.

From that moment, it became more important to me to be with a man that was not only God fearing (because we all say we are) but someone who had a genuine heart for God, that you could see from his faith, ministry and worship.

You were once engaged years ago but that relationship did not lead to marriage. Can you tell us more about that?
It just didn’t. Marriage has never been the be all or end all for me. We were not right for each other and did not see the future that I wanted with him.

How did you cope in the aftermath of that relationship?
I was actually okay with. During our engagement, I was often filled with fear and apprehension because I knew in my heart that getting married to him was not the right decision for me. So when we did break up I actually felt relieved more than heart broken. Plus, my formula is give yourself a “crying period – and then move on.

How did you find the will and courage to give love a second chance?
I always said that I will never let one person or experience rob me of a lifetime of happiness. I think hidden in me somewhere was a fairy-tale I wasn’t willing to let go of.

In what ways have you evolved as a result of these experiences, and what valuable lessons do you feel you have learned?
The one key thing I have learnt is to be intentional about relationships. Be very clear, mature and reasonable on what it is you want from a partner. Don’t just see as things go, don’t ignore red flags and don’t settle! This applies to all areas of life – be intentional!

What advice would you give to any millennial woman who may be in a relationship but is unsure if their partner is husband material?
What is “husband material” Well, according to whatever your definition is, if you there are things that are making you unsure about a man, leave. Ladies please, we are not talking about petty things but things that you know you cannot come to accept or live with. No one changes in marriage, marriage actually amplifies everything – the good, bad and ugly!

What are some practical ways you would advise newlyweds to involve God in their marriage?

• Let the Bible be your reference point for everything. For me, I have chosen a verse to guide my actions and thoughts. Proverbs 14:1 – The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
• Pray together, be it the simplest of prayers.
• Have Godly mentors. People that will guide you truthfully and not fail to admonish you when you are wrong.

Our grandmas say there were high moral values and standards back then. Women were seen as precious gems and they were cherished and loved by these men.

Well grandma, in recent times, a lot of things have changed. And I think that it’s because modernization and westernization have influenced our culture to a large extent, including our dating culture.

These days, women are being stringed along in relationships without any destination in mind. When you ask some men where the relationship is heading, their response would be “lets still how it goes”. 

In the process of waiting to for a man to decide, some  ladies have closed the door to other men, had countless abortions, and some have even given these men their life-savings and treated several sexual transmitted diseases. Others have even lost their wombs due to long-term abuse of their reproductive systems.

What inspired this write-up was a recent popular tweet I saw, tagged “O jewa ke eng? (A twitter slang for what is bothering you?).  In response, a lady  shared her dating experience, how she dated a guy for ten years, stole her father’s money, eloped with him to another state, dumped her education and aborted several pregnancies, yet the guy broke up with her over a text message. This lady was disowned by her family already. People on Twitter encouraged her to stay strong.

Easier said than done, but some ladies have landed at psychiatric hospitals due to heart- break and emotional trauma. You may begin to wonder if she was out of her mind for doing what she did. But truth is, people love differently and we have no right to judge anyone. Love is blind.

From my own perspective, I believe that all this can be avoided if single ladies become very prayerful and intentional about who they date.

Personally, I see dating as the period we get to know if whoever we are seeing will make a potential husband. It should be a DEFINED RELATIONSHIP. Personally, I cannot wrap my mind around dating a man just for fun.

I have few nuggets and recommended books that will help you if you are seeing someone new or you have been a relationship for a while and you have no idea where it is heading.

Set some standards: The moment you start setting standards in your relationship is the moment you realize the men that don’t meet up to your expectations. Don’t waste your time and energy. End the relationship now and stop making excuses. Below are some books that can help understand the power of having standards when dating.

• ”Act like a lady, Think like a man” –  Steve Harvey
• “Why men marry Bitches” – Sherry Argov
• “The Rules” Book – Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider
• “Boundaries in Dating”  – Henry Cloud

Be intentional: One time when I was hanging out with my girlfriends, we were gisting about our men, then I asked why they are dating who they were with. Surprisingly, I got ridiculous answers like, “I know he is not the one but we just having fun.” Some said, “at least I have a boyfriend who can take me out whenever I want.” Dating men for superficial reasons is not advisable, as a matter of fact, that is where some ladies get stuck. You don’t want to be stuck do you? Please be intentional about your dating life. Some books to help you in this area are as follows:

• “The lady her lover and her lord” – T.D Jakes
• “Waiting and Dating”  – Myles Munroe
• “Secrets of an Irresistible Woman” – Michelle Hammond

Read these books, feed your mind and empower yourself.  You are not some piece of rag any man can use and dump. You are a Queen, wear your crown well.

Photo Credit: Shutterstock

Many failed toxic relationships have been excused with the “love is blind phrase. However, what many fail to really realise is that love isn’t abrupt or out of the blue – it is the result of a series of intentional acts.

Think about it. How can you know if you truly love someone when you barely know that person? You may think you know this person — that’s what love does to us — but you don’t. People think they fall in love all the time, but they’re not truly in love.

Falling in love can lead to actually being in love, and being in love can lead to actual loving. And in order for you to love, you need to choose to love. You need to choose to be loving. You need to look at the person you’re with and choose to love that person all over again – even and especially when – it’s not convenient.

The same concept applies to friendships and even familial relationships. We allow ourselves become drawn into toxicity where we are still in control and can choose where we focus our energies. The idea is to lead a healthy life in mind, body and soul. Why then do we allow negativity take up that space? Perhaps it is because we have become accustomed to feeling that it is what we deserve, or we do not love ourselves just yet or we simply are unaware of the fact that we do have a choice.

Instead, we like to mistake love for Chemistry. Chemistry being uncontrollable chemical reactions which occur outside of our control. hydrogen and chlorine will result in hydrochloride and voila! That’s where it ends. Wrong.

Love is not chemistry, it is voluntary. You must choose to do it. It won’t be easy. It’s easier when the person you’re with is right for you, it’s easier when you’re choosing to love those that will be beneficial to your growth and strength.

I hope we make the best decisions regarding where we choose to invest our energies. So many people seem to be in situations that could have been avoided if they had just trusted themselves enough to let go. It is important to value yourself and your well being above all else.

You can choose who you love and you can choose happiness.

Photo Credit: Atlanta Black Star

However, that’s all done now because Molly (her character name on Insecure) bagged herself a man and interestingly enough, he’s also on that journey of abstinence, is Nigerian (his Igbo name is Chinedum) and he has a job (he’s a former NFL player turned ESPN Analyst). Talk about a dunk in the net!

The couple is currently on vacation in Mexico, and they aren’t being shy about making the rest of us jealous on Instagram. From sandy workouts on the beach to the ocean view, to, of course, taking a few relationship goal photos for Instagram (PS: We know we told you not to buy into #couplegoals, we haven’t forgotten but finding someone on the same spiritual journey as you is always worth celebrating. We know how hard it is out here in the streets, let’s celebrate with a sister).

The couple has been dating for a couple of months, although we’re not sure how long, the actress made it instagram official in May.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BjAyZmhHvJ8/?taken-by=yvonneorji

Anyway, let’s get right down to it. Here’s the prayer she says she prayed to find this fine man:

“Dear God,
May he have abs like David
Skin like Sampson
A smile like Joseph
Fingernails like Solomon
Eyebrows like John The Baptist & A heart (and finances) like yours
In Jesus’ Name
Amen”

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bkv0fjbHlhK/?taken-by=yvonneorji

Can I get an Amen somebody?

Photo Credit: Instagram|Yvonne Orji

Singer, Teyana Taylor, recently released her album titled, K.T.S.E (Keep That Same Energy), which contains a song called 3-way. She was asked about the song in an interview with Big Boy TV, and admitted that she had threesomes with her husband, Iman Shumpert. 

“Ok look. Listen. I ain’t finna sing about nothing that I ain’t been through. Ok. My album is what it is. But what’s crazy, something shocking, you know that 3 Way almost didn’t make the album? It’s crazy. I was like…I was like no!! This stays!

I was like do you know how many “thank you’s” I’m gonna get for this?!! The summer is lit!! The summer of lit!!” Once you break it down and the reason I say this. I’m not saying that this is what you have to do, but I’m what I’m saying is when you make a vow and your married, it ain’t no limits. Period!”

However, the 27 year old also advises that both partners only do what they’re comfortable with. She states that in her opinion, to have a good, healthy marriage, you have to be open-minded and keep things spicy in the bedroom especially if you plan to be with this person forever.

The mother of one who is married to a professional basketball player might be on to something as athletes tend to have a bad record with staying faithful due to their excess wealth and being out on the road often. So, I’m guessing it’s not cheating if you’re doing it with your wife right? Right? Or are we all going mad?

What say you?

However, when entering into a relationship; many casually sit at the table with no idea what it is they would require from the commitment of the other party, failing to ask the relevant critical questions before delving into such a delicate partnership.

To build a successful relationship, both parties must know pre-relationship, what exactly they need from it.

To assist you, we’ve come up with a few questions that you should have answers to before choosing to commit.

We’ve narrowed it down to 9 questions to guide you:

1. How well do I know Him?
Don’t trust someone until you know them. The knowledge of a person is as deep as having your instincts connecting to theirs well enough that you can pre-empt them in certain situations. You’ll also have an idea what they’re truly capable of. Anyone can pretend to be something they are not. To best know them, study what they’re like in their natural environments e.g around family, friends, the things they say passively and how they treat people that they do not need. Observe, Observe, Observe.

“What kind of family does he/she come from? That was their foundation and upbringing until they left home. No matter how far we travel, those development years left a huge impression on who we are, and who we’re likely to resort back to when we’re older.”

2. Can I trust him with my secrets?
If they share your private conversations with others, walk away or have a serious discussion about that issue. If you don’t take care about this now, chances are you’ll only resent them later.

3. Can I enjoy his company even in the silence? 
If they can’t enjoy the silence with you and you need some form of activity to be ongoing to have a good time with them then it might be evidence that there’s a lot going on inside them and they need the noise for distraction. Or maybe all the bond you have is based on those activities that you both partake in.

4. Will this person change me for the better?

You become the sum total of the people you spend the most time with. You will spend a large quantity of your time with the person you date and then hopefully eventually marry, so this needs to be at the back of your mind when looking to build a relationship with a prospective gentleman.  Remember that you will marry a person you date. So ask this question early.

5. Am I attracted to their heart and character?
Physical attraction is key, however, the heart and character of a person are the very core of what they’re made up of. You need to check that his heart and character are in line with everything you stand for and value. Besides being good to you, is he a good man?

6. Does he/she appreciate me for who I am right now?
If they’re trying to change you, they’re not ready for a relationship. Plain and simple. The most mature, loving people I’ve ever encountered loved me for just who I was. The only time they called me out is when they knew I was knowingly or unknowingly about to hurt myself or others, and they were protecting me.

They might challenge you, which is a very good thing. But that is very different than someone trying to change you. Beware not to confuse these two.

7. How does he/she already treat people they love most?
I don’t mean during holidays or time spent after long periods apart, but every day. This will require spending a lot of time together with their families. If that’s impossible, don’t forget that this side of them, who they truly are, is a side you haven’t been exposed to yet.

I’ve met plenty of people who told me that their partners or spouses completely changed when they were back in the comforts and security of their families.

8. Does he/she strive to place my desires and needs first?
I understand the importance of giving and receiving. But if the person you’re with has the attitude of, “My desires are above yours,” they’re not ready for a relationship. They still have some growing up to do.

I’ve met plenty of people who believe the world revolves around them, rather than embracing the simple truth that we are all part of a universe.

We are a part of the human community within a universe. That universe nor its members are here to grant us our dreams and wishes. Until we realize this, we will live very selfishly and never understand what it will take to nurture and grow healthy relationships.

Clear warning signs: Temper tantrums, outbursts of anger, control issues and their believing you should read their minds to know their wants and desires without having to communicate them to you.

9. Are their hopes and dreams for the future compatible with yours?
Do they want a partnership where both are working in the corporate world or a traditional role where one partner stays home? Do they know where they’d like to settle? How does that tie into your future plans? Because it is also important that your future doesn’t take a back seat should you marry this person. Or else chances are that you will eventually grow to resent them.

Though it’s important to remind ourselves that our desires and interests change as we grow older, it’s still important to discuss these issues.

Are there any more questions you never asked your partner that came back to bite you in the end? Do feel free to share in the comment box below.

Over the long weekend, this particular topic sparked a debate on Twitter when a young man shared that he had advised his partner to shed her nose ring on a trip to meeting the in-laws for the first time. Twitter was divided with one arm stating that he fell in love with her as she was and she didn’t need to change who she was for his parents, the other wing insisted it was just a nose ring and taking it off was a sign of respect to her in-laws in these parts.

I won’t share my take but I once had a nose ring and my boyfriend at the time insisted I kept it on when I met his parents and they loved me. Yes, they were Nigerian. But, different strokes I guess. What say you?

Watch lifestyle vlogger, Sisi Yemmie‘s take on the issue below:

Photo Credit: YouTube

DANG as her page is fondly called, shared a story of a woman seeking advice. Her friend was dating a man who was between jobs while she on the other hand, was earning a pretty good salary. He had demanded that she pay him a monthly allowance as her paying on dates and covering some expenses out-of-pocket made him feel emasculated.

Personally, this is a red flag and if I were in said lady’s shoes, I would suggest we go our separate ways because there is something so uncomfortable about a partner feeling so entitled to my hard-earned money especially when it appears that they are also ungrateful for what it is I have done for them. Let’s also remember that he’s a boyfriend, not a husband. Warning bells all over! But that’s just me.

DANG asked her 140k followers to weigh in on the matter and here’s what some said:

What say you?

Photo Credit: Citi FM Online

If these signs sound familiar, then it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship or put it to an end.

The thought of being single again excites you

After being with one person for a long time, you may find yourself exploring thoughts of being with other people, or just being single and “free” again. You flirt “innocently” with people you find attractive and say hi to your exes. It is one thing to notice that someone is attractive, but to think of waking up to them after a hot night, instead of your partner is a no-no. If this gets too much, you may end up doing something regrettable and hurt your relationship. As a result, it is probably best to be honest with yourself and your partner,

Your heart sinks when your partner calls or texts you

You should have a pleasant feeling when your partner calls or texts you unexpectedly when you are away from each other. There is nothing loving or affectionate about not wanting to speak to your partner or feeling down when you see a call or text from them. If you feel this way, then baby girl, it may be time to call it quits.

You never want to get intimate

Intimacy is a good way to judge the state of your relationship. When you love someone, their touch alone gets you turned on. Of course, Sex doesn’t define a relationship but it is vital to having a healthy one. If you find that you are no longer sexually attracted to your partner, you may need to sit down with them to figure out the true issue.

You do not enjoy spending time with your partner

They aren’t the first person you think of when you have some free time, and you would rather spend time with other friends or family.  Spending quality time with them feels awkward, as you never have anything to talk about. Let’s say you unexpectedly find yourself leaving work early, who would be the first person you call to hang out? Who do you really want to see? The first people that come to mind are those you care about the most and find important to you. If your partner isn’t one of them, well… do the math. You deserve a relationship with someone who will excite you, not a person you dread spending time with.

You get into frequent unhealthy fights over very minor issues

Yes, every couple fights. That’s not something to really worry about. However, you may find yourselves arguing over  the slightest things frequently. Or you may do relationship-sabotaging things e.g go through their private messages trying to find something to pick a fight about, etc. Fights should be settled with mature conversations. But when you or your partner acts destructively or attempts to inflict physical or emotional pain on the other, then it becomes an unhealthy relationship and one or both of you doesn’t have much love and respect for the relationship. At this point, you both have two options: Either have a genuine conversation and figure out how to work out your issues, or just say goodbye.

Photo Credit: MadamNoire

Anyhoo. So my inspiration for writing this article came over the weekend, when my Public Relations company helped organize an intimate youth empowerment event in which millenials (mostly women) got a chance to be mentored by Talk Show Host/women’s empowerment advocate, Jo Maxwell. A wide range of topics were discussed, including entrepreneurship, career, education, and relationships.

During the event, I witnessed a very interesting conversation that transpired amongst some Nigerian millenial women (probably in their early-to-mid twenties) regarding finding “Mr Right” and marriage.

One of the women present, a 24-year-old pretty Ibo girl who already has a thriving career (let’s call her “Ada”, expressed concerns about finding a good husband. Ada asked her peers present, as well as Jo, what it would take to find a man who wouldn’t be intimidated by her success. She also stated that she always wondered when/how/where she would find a husband, as she’s an Ibo girl and “time isn’t on her side.” In addition, she mentioned that she was under pressure from some of her family members to get married.

Some of the other women present at the event advised her to disregard the pressure she was experiencing and just be patient about finding a hubby. Jo also have her some awesome advice, and I chimed in as well.

After hearing Ada express her concerns about marriage, I felt the need to address this issue on my blog. Because these are concerns many single women face in Nigeria, and even in other parts of Africa, due to cultural beliefs tying a woman’s worth to her marital status.

Here is some advice on the issue from my own perspective. Again, I’m NOT a relationship or marriage expert. However, I believe that sharing my views about this issue may help someone out there who is worried about marriage.

My thoughts on finding the right husband are as follows:

Don’t look for him. He will find you

I believe that when you are truly ready to meet your God-ordained partner, he will find you when you least expect it. You don’t have to go hunting for a man. I really don’t believe that seeking love should be a stressful affair. Love yourself. Stay true to yourself. When you are ready in God’s eyes, lifetime bae will come. My hubby found me at the gym under less-than-sexy circumstances. Seriously. I was sweating bucketloads on an elliptical machine. I hadn’t showered. I had ProActiv pimple treatment cream on some parts of my face due to menstruation-induced pimples. I had not showered. I did not smell nice. But for some bizarre reason which I could not understand, he came up to me and started talking to me. We exchanged numbers and spoke once in a while purely on a platonic level, and we never saw each other physically until about a year after we first met. The rest as they say, is history.

If he encourages your success, he’s a keeper!

You don’t need a man who feels intimidated by your success. Rather, he should encourage you to be the best version of yourself in all areas of your life. Even if you are doing better than him financially or career-wise, he should be proud of you and keep encouraging you to excel even more.

If he’s showing signs of jealousy or a controlling nature due to the fact that you’re doing well, please run away fast and don’t look back. Do NOT think you can change him during marriage.

I once had a friend that experienced this same situation. Her fiancé had never liked the fact that she made more money than he did, and he was actually very vocal about his displeasure. However, due to pressure she had put on herself to get marrie at a certain age, she convinced herself that she could work on changing his mindset during the marriage. Sadly, this was not the case.

Under the guise of wanting to be her sole provider and be a good husband, when they got married, he convinced her to quit her six-figure salary job and be a housewife. And that’s when his true colours really began to show. He started to emotionally and physically abuse and manipulate her. Well, that marriage didn’t last up to a year, because she filed for a divorce after she realized that no amount of fasting and prayers would ever change him.

Don’t succumb to family pressure

Easier said than done in many cases, I know. But the truth of the matter is that often times, this pressure is exerted for selfish reasons. Many parents want to feel proud to tell their friends that their daughter is finally getting married. They want to organize an elaborate wedding to boost their own egos, sell aso-ebi, and just be all-round “extra.” Girl, remember that wedding only lasts for one or two days, and the marriage lasts for a lifetime! After parents, friends, and wedding guests have finished eating all the small chops, jollof rice, nkwobi, amala and gbegiri, they will go back to their own homes to their own families. You will subsequently be left alone with your husband. You may never even get any phone calls from many of your so-called “aunties” and “uncles” after the wedding to check on you to enquire about how you are coping in your new home. NOPE. Once they digest and shit out the small chops, you become a distant memory in their minds. So why get married to please them or anyone else?

I once heard about a woman who found out the day before the wedding that her husband-to-be (whom parents had “arranged” for her by the way) was cheating on her with an ex girlfriend. She told her mom she wanted to call off the wedding, but mommy was like “yo dude, we’ve paid for the hall, cake, food, people are attending from out of town, just manage for now and sort it out during the marriage.” LOL.

Anyways you get the point. DON’T MARRY TO PLEASE YOUR FAMILY. Do it on your own terms, how and when you want to do it. Who cares if you are over 30 and unmarried? Marriage is not a competition. Or an achievement.  Don’t let family and society brainwash you.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

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Stay tuned for part 2!

In the meantime, please share your thoughts on the matter in the comment section below…