At the beginning of every year, there is a common trend among upper and middle-class households in Nigeria: the house-girl goes for Christmas and does not return. This sudden change in the family dynamics causes an unexpected imbalance in how the household is run. The responsibility of getting the family operations running smoothly falls solely on Oga & Madam. In some cases, it’s really just the Madam that is running around packing school lunches, and getting the children ready for the day; but, we’re not going to get into the finer details of the balance of burden within Nigerian households. Stay focused, Atoke. This article is about the domestic staff and why they should have access to condoms and contraceptives in general.

Anyway, so usually, when these house-helps go away for the holidays, they never return. Sometimes, it’s because of unfair work policies or hazardous work environments. Other times, it’s because they’re seeking higher wages and trying to re-negotiate higher contracts with another employer. And many times, it is because they’ve gone to start a family. They’ve been married off, as young women from economically disadvantaged families usually are. Sometimes, the women ‘fall’ pregnant, and when they feel helpless and without options, they run away – or go back home. They go through the difficulty of pregnancy, alone, poor, disadvantaged, and with no prospect of a job to return to. The cycle of poverty continues.

The subject of the welfare of domestic staff is something that has been highlighted multiple times on BellaNaija. To a large extent, our readers and contributors have discussed the pros and cons of working with domestic staff in their homes. The good, the bad and the ugly – it’s all been laid bare on BN. However, addressing the sexual/reproductive health rights of domestic workers is not one that has been covered (to the best of my knowledge). And no, this isn’t about Oga Mike sleeping with Eliza the maid.

Upon bringing young girls (not the nine-year-olds that some child slavers traffic) from the recruitment agents or directly from the village, suburban women often carry out STD/HIV/ HepB/C tests on these young women. These tests are a condition to employment, and they’re generally carried out on maids/nannies, because, well … “I don’t want someone who will be taking care of my child to have hepatitis C.” Right or wrong, the sentiment is understandable (somewhat).

Alongside these medical checks for diseases are also pregnancy tests. Upper/middle class women ensure that they test their domestic staff for pregnancy – because they don’t want to hire pregnant house girls. Imagine if one company refused to hire you because you’re pregnant … the uproar would be out of this world. But, we do it to others. Privilege is a real thing.

Anyway, moving on swiftly: how can you help improve the efficiency of service of your domestic staff? How can you eliminate the risk of your house-girl running away after Christmas because she got pregnant? How do you ensure that your maid/nanny does not ‘fall’ pregnant and disrupt your regular family programming? How do you ensure that your driver is not impregnating all the women within his sex register?

Provide your domestic staff with sexual health education. Provide a wholesome welfare package for them that includes their sexual and reproductive healthcare.

Listen, your house-girl is having sex; heck, she’s probably shagging your driver, your gateman and or your husband (sex positivity), but only one person will most likely lose their job when they get caught: the house-girl. Because God forbid someone whose salary you’re paying, is having sex. Your gateman is having sex; your driver is working through his hoe-tation right now. So how about you provide them with condoms? Teach them how to use it (don’t assume everyone knows how to have safe sex); and have an open, candid conversation about the importance of practicing safe sex.

In addition, consider taking your domestic staff to the clinic for contraceptives. Now, before you roll your eyes at this, and gasp at what you think is an absurd suggestion, here’s where my mind is at: people will always have sex. Sex is enjoyable and pleasurable and it is not within the exclusive purview of people who earn a certain income. The enjoyment of sexual activities cuts across economic and social lines. Your domestic helps are having sex – whether with air conditioning or squeaky standing fans as ventilation; whether they’re doing it in the master bedroom, in the pool or in the shago behind the apartment … they’re having sex.

I believe that it is in the interest of all parties involved that sexual/reproductive health education is provided for domestic staff. They’re able to remain safe while having sex, and there’s no need for hiding or pretending like they’re not having sex. As long as they’re not having sex while they’re supposed to be watching 2-year-old Toluwanimi (even though some of you are having oral sex at your Zenith bank cubicles; remember, this is a no-judgement zone) ensure that your adult domestic staff are well equipped to handle their sexual and reproductive health affairs.

Finally, while we’re on the subject of being decent employers and all of that jazz, take time to speak to your female domestic staff about their menstrual health hygiene. Talk to them about how much access they have to sanitary pads/towels. If they need education on how to use pads, teach them. Don’t just buy a pack of Always and give them, assuming that they know how to use it. Sometimes, these women are coming from backgrounds where they only used washcloths. This is the reality of indigent women; please resist the urge to assume that they know or should know. Teach them how often they should change their underwear. Don’t just complain that your maid smells, and laugh at her with your friends during book club. That’s not nice. Take time to show them. The fact that someone came to your house at 28 does not mean that they’ve had the same exposure to menstrual health care, as you.

Provide condoms for your drivers and gatemen. If possible, find out where the primary health care centre in your neighbourhood is. Direct them to make regular checks at the clinics. You can even make it a fun activity; invite your friend who is a doctor to come to the house and talk about sexual, reproductive health rights with your staff. Someone taught you, pay it forward by teaching others. It is very easy to overlook these things, because of the shroud of secrecy that we have placed over sex. We act like it’s this big issue that nobody should talk about, when in reality … kini big deal? Two adults having consensual sex … kini big deal?

Remember, kindness is so important; please don’t violate their trust or privacy by talking about whatever they tell you. Also, don’t insist on being there when the doctor is talking to them. There’s an episode of Jenifa’s Diary that irks me to no end every time I think about it. Jenifa took her staff to the clinic to get HIV tests, and right there in the waiting room she asked them to disclose their results to her. In true, loud Jenifa fashion, she continued to violate their rights to privacy by screaming their test results at the loudest octave.

That episode was probably written to advocate for regular testing for HIV/AIDs, but the execution was piss poor.

Let us all do better.

Peace, love & cucumber slices.

“If we can’t treat each other right, amongst ourselves, how can we expect the government or people in authority to have any tinge of respect for us?” – Atoke.

The year usually starts with celebration and resolutions; happy for a new year, the world is filled with optimistic people who resolve to be better, to do better in different aspects of their lives. Personally, one of the things I hope to achieve in 2019 is to create more awareness and support for causes I am passionate about. One of such causes is the reduction and elimination of domestic violence in Nigeria. In 2019, I am going to strive create a database of shelters and organizations that help victims of domestic abuse – across Nigeria. I want to collate a list where someone can refer their relative/ loved one to, in Minna, Awka, Iwo… anywhere in Nigeria. I want a resource center, in every city and town in Nigeria, where victims of domestic violence can find help. However, this is only a surface level treatment of an epidemic that has led to the loss of so many lives.

Domestic abuse is an insidious malaise in our society. It fragments homes and families; it leads to loss of income; it causes physical harm; and even more pervasive is the terrible negative effect it has on the mental health of victims (and their children, if any). So, before we go on to create this help centre for victims, I am going to try and unpack the different ways we (together as a society) can stop domestic abuse in Nigeria. How can we stop the perps? Hopefully, you guys can suggest other things we need to do, and together we can start the year on a great note towards the elimination of domestic violence.

Societal Conditioning
Growing up as a little girl in Nigeria, certain things were drummed into me: be decent, be polite, know how to cook, wear clothes that don’t attract men, don’t talk back to an adult, kneel down to greet… and so on and so forth. This litany of instructions on how to behave was further reinforced at school, in church, by the extended family members. Everywhere you go there is someone, somewhere, teaching a little girl how to grow up be a ‘good woman’. It’s not only subliminal, but also overt conditioning. However, there’s just not enough societal disdain for domestic violence. Children in a compound/neighbourhood see their neighbour beating up his wife and they hear the other adults snigger and say things like “that woman… only God knows what she has done again to make this man beat her.” It is right there, and in that moment that a little four year old child internalizes the message that domestic violence is the direct result of something that the victim has done. So, instead of saying “what did Mama Chinedu do to Papa Chinedu, this time” Look your children in the eye and say something like, “Look Phillip and Veronica, under no circumstance is it okay to hit your spouse.” Reinforce that message to your children, with the same vim and energy that you tell them not to sleep without reading their bibles, or the same energy you use to teach them that it’s important for a devout moslem to pray five times a day.

Asides telling your children that it is wrong to get physically violent, also show them. If they see you bumping fists with your neighbour who was slapping her husband the day before, they know that you’re fine with it, which in turn sends a message that it is okay. Once we start conditioning our minds from home, it extends to the larger society and to a large extent, it will have an impact on the quest to eliminate domestic violence.

Get Faith Based Organizations on Board
Saying Nigerians are extremely religious is stating the obvious. However, being religious is not a bad thing, if channeled for positivity. However, it is quite mind-blowing that the rate of performative religion isn’t congruent with good deeds in Nigeria. We’re basically living in a pit, with very badly behaved individuals who who don’t miss Assalatu or church service.

So, we’ve established that there’s an audience for leaders of faith based organizations. Thus, if there’s a message that we really want to pass on, and ensure it gets to the audience, it makes sense to pass the message to advocate for the eradication of domestic abuse via these faith based organizations.

Do the math: think of the volume of people who flock to church every Sunday in Nigeria – through thick and thin, through adversity and economic bloom, they are there. The pews are filled with people, waiting to hear from their leaders – the ordained ministers. If these leaders consistently pass the message urging people to stop hitting their spouses, I strongly believe that there will be a change. Imagine if at every NASFAT meeting, the Alfa has a recurrent message of “Don’t beat your wife/ don’t beat your husband/stop hitting your kids”

Pause. Imagine it. Think about mid-week service at your favourite church. Just before the offering bowl is passed, there is a segment where the Deacon gets up on the pulpit to remind parishioners that domestic violence is a dangerous societal ill and perpetrators will not get a place in wherever good, spiritual people go after they pass on…(You know how much Nigerians cling to the promise of eternal life with streets paved of gold and unending virgins)

Consistent messaging will create a snowball effect on the expected desired end. And this is just simple common sense, I’m not saying anything revolutionary here.

Reduce the consumption of judgement impairing substances
One thing I’ve often heard from perpetrators of domestic violence (and sometimes their victims) is “I didn’t really know what I was doing”, or “She usually gets like this after she’s had a few drinks” or “He doesn’t usually beat me, it only happens when he’s been to the bar”

Dearly beloved, wisdom is profitable to direct. If you’re prone to wildin‘ out, please reduce the consumption of things that impair your judgement. If you’re a regular cool cat, but for some reason you lack control when you’ve had a few puffs of weed or you’ve had a little too much to drink… stop it. Knowing yourself and your limits is a crucial part of being an adult. Excessive consumption of alcohol and narcotics will definitely have you outchea acting like you’re senseless. Next thing you know you’re beating your wife because she used the brown padlock to lock the gate instead of the black padlock.

Please have some sense, grow up and don’t kill someone because you lack self control.

Employers, Please F*ck Up the Bag
Some years ago, a relative was accused of beating his wife. Family lore has it that she went to the office and reported to his bosses. The company (a multinational) reportedly had zero tolerance for spousal abuse/domestic violence and it quickly terminated the employment contract that had taken the relative and his wife to Europe. I was pretty young when it happened, but I’ve never forgotten the story because I learned one lesson: if you want to stop someone from causing you pain, cut off their money supply as quickly as possible, if you can.

Nigerians love and respect two things: God (allegedly) and Money! In the quest to eliminate domestic violence in our society, we have to utilize both tools. The God bit can be taken care of by the spiritual leaders, as stated in point 2 above), but for the money, we need the employers.

If you’re an employer of labour, you should work in a zero-tolerance for domestic violence policy into the employment contract. If someone knows that their source of livelihood is going to be threatened, they may think twice before lifting that pestle to hit their spouse. If they know that the news of an attack on their spouse getting to the office means that they lose money, it may serve as a deterrent.

Furthermore, while it can be argued that offices should not get involved in domestic issues, it behoves every organization to ensure that they are not harbouring wild animals in their midst. A few years ago, a talented NFL player was arrested for the murder of his associate; the team cut him loose the day after he was arrested. He was at the peak of his career, a rising star only three seasons in.  The Patriots didn’t even waste any time in breaking that contract. One time!

If you lie with dogs, you might find yourself eating faeces. Corporations will do well to kick out any employees who are prone to violence of any form.

Therapy
Hurt people hurt people. It’s such a simple principle that rings true and deep. A lot of us Nigerians are walking about with so much internalized trauma. It’s so bad that we don’t even realize how deeply scarred and damaged we are. I’ve seen how people on social media boast about how they’re going to beat their kids, because they were beaten. They claim they ‘turned out fine’. No honey, you didn’t turn out fine. The fact that we have normalized violence and aggression is so worrying, because there’s a high risk of passing this to our kids. And this is the same with perpetrators of domestic violence. Often times, they have not unpacked the trauma from their childhood, or from everything they’ve experienced in life. They come into new relationships with all of that baggage and then start body-slamming their partners. They’re unhappy in their souls and they in turn want to suck out the joy from the person they’re living with. It’s a vicious cycle that can be broken with therapy.

I’m so happy that mental awareness in Nigeria is gaining a lot of ground and I really hope that it will increase at an even higher rate this year – not just on the level of middle-class and lower middle class people, but also among indigent Nigerians. Therapy is such a vital tool in the eradication and elimination of domestic violence. Talk to a certified professional, be honest with yourself. Understand that this is a thing that is dangerous and will not go away by simply ignoring it.

It is my desire that in 2019, Nigerians take these things more seriously. As much as we’re going through so much from the political elite, let’s look at the different ways we can help each other – both as individuals and as a collective. Talk to your friends and family members; talk to your staff; engage with people who can help you. Seek help and be open to changing.

If any of the above points do not serve as a deterrent against domestic violence, please note that assault and battery are offences under the criminal and penal codes of Nigeria. Further more, the Lagos State House of Assembly enacted the Protection Against Domestic Violence law in 2007. On a Federal level there is the Violence Against Persons (Prohibitions) Act of 2015.  Please do not hesitate to report perpetrators of domestic violence to the police (if you can’t report them to the HR manager of their company). If they tell you that it is a domestic matter and they’re not allowed to get involved in family disputes, channel the energy of a homophobic Nigerian when they’re reminding the world of the SSPA, tell the police and all who care to listen – DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A CRIME. IT IS YOUR JOB TO FIGHT CRIME.

PS:

Note down the telephone numbers above for help in Lagos state. If you have information on shelters and centers for victims of domestic violence outside Lagos, please send an email to features(at)bellanaija(dot)com

Happy new year!

Everyday when I have to get dressed, I try to do it while standing in front of the mirror. It is a way of carefully looking at my body, without finding any faults and saying to the girl in there: I love you. I love every part of you: your flabby arms, your eyebrows that are not perfectly arched, your belly button that stores dust and fluids, your thick thighs and most especially, your breasts.

This has never been easy for me; it is an uphill task and something I do with a lot of difficulty. It has taken a lot of self-awareness articles, podcasts and Twitter threads to help me love every bit of myself.

My breasts and I have had a very stressful relationship; first, they showed up when I was way too young to understand what was going on. Then, they grew fast and big—meaning I had to wear bras earlier than my friends (stirrups and harnesses masquerading as a piece of friendly clothing). At 13, along with all the puberty issues and self-consciousness, I had to struggle with finding the perfect bra. That was the beginning of my desire for perky boobs. Perhaps if gravity didn’t take hold of my boobs, I wouldn’t need to struggle to find a bra. Perhaps, if they looked like the breasts in magazines (the ones I caught the boys in my class lusting over) just maybe I’d be more attractive.

So, in the absence of the natural upward perk, I’ve had to live with bras. Finding a bra that is functional and sexy is no easy feat. Bras for girls like me who have G-cup sized breasts are not cheap. The average bras (A-C) are easily available in stores with prices ranging from $10 to $40. The same cannot be said for Ds to Hs. When you find them, it is very possible that they’re heavy-duty (wide-strapped and made of hard cotton).

Living in North America has come with its own special brand of bra-related problems for this G-Cup sized woman. The entire exercise is exhausting; I’ve had to resort to having bras shipped to me from the UK—not just because they’re cheaper over there, but because I know that certain stores try to make their bras a little bit more attractive. When a friend in the UK called excitedly to tell me she found a beautiful bra with underwire for under $30, I screamed in disbelief, asking for proof. There it was on my phone screen—black, lacy, with floral hints. The straps were thin too. It was so sexily unbelievable.

But why am I so determined to find a sexy bra? How was I socialized to believe that if my breasts are not perky or decked in lace, they are not desirable?

As a Nigerian woman of the Yoruba ethnic group, I was raised to know that I was to be a strong, capable woman, not for me, but for that man who was going to choose me. Growing up in that environment, it was hard to see women as equal to men; our sole purpose was to cater to men. Our breasts came with the package gift to men. The situation in modern Nigeria is quite similar to English women of the Victorian Era who had to wear corsets to lift their breasts and cinch their waist tightly—for the appeal and attraction of men. And, while bras came to Nigeria with colonialism, 21st century Nigerian women continue to wear bras due to socialization.

So you could say I was late to embracing feminism and learning to love myself. I had to reject the thought that a woman choosing to walk around without a bra is a scandalous event. The belief was that she chose to divest herself of the harness because she wanted to have her boobs swinging for the attention of men. If her nipples showed through her dress, it was simply because she wanted to ensnare a man. In Nigeria, no thought was given to the fact that she simply wanted to be free.

In 2017, 23-year old Chidera Eggerue started a movement on social mediasharing images where she is braless. As a woman in her mid-thirties, I drew strength from knowing that it was OK to not conform to the socialized norm of constantly wearing a bra. What Chidera started on social media has ballooned into a burgeoning movement, which has spanned beyond the streets of the Internet.

But even with this inspiration, a woman should be able to choose letting them hang out freely, and bra shopping is still a nightmare. The more I lost weight, the smaller my frame became; yet, my cup size remained the same. This further pushed me into a smaller bra-size availability bracket. By this time, I had narrowed down two stores that carried my bra size. However, they were neither cheap nor available. My sister and I made a game out of it; finding the elusive bras and spotting them on sale.

Looking for a sexy bra for G-cups is truly a task, but it is not nearly as hard as finding swimwear or strapless bras. It’s so bad that invites to the beach or the pool are met with intense anxiety. I don’t know how much strain my good and faithful swimsuit can last. The garment is four years and going strong; because where am I going to find something that fits? Asking for prettiness is a stretch.

Another challenge of being big breasted is the shoulder ridge problem. For bigger breasts, the physics of harnesses and stirrups requires wider straps. Over time, these large straps, supporting the weight of your mounds, form ridges in your shoulder. Glasses wearers will relate to this a little; think of that ridge on your temples and the little ditch on both sides of your nose. Constantly wearing a bra to support big breasts means you’re hoisting your breasts via your shoulder and your back.

It is for this reason that I cherish every moment I do NOT have to step out of my apartment. The outing has to be super important for me to leave my house and have to wear these beastly things. If you ask me to go anywhere and I make up some silly excuse, please know that it is simply because I don’t want to pack up my breasts. For times when I absolutely have to leave the condo, I unconsciously find myself unhooking my bra once I step into the elevator.

This isn’t easy to reconcile with my commitment to love every inch of this body. But I have come to the realization that the woman staring back in the full length mirror is accountable to one person—me. These breasts come with the body; I can choose to wear a bra, or not. What matters is how comfortable I am in my skin.

Atoke is the author of +234 – An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. Follow her on Twitter.