The use of ‘aso ebi’ (uniform fabrics) at parties and other events is commonplace in some parts of the country, particularly in the South-West. However, there have been divided opinions about how much ‘aso ebi’ should cost, as some have been deemed to be too expensive. Saturday PUNCH asked a cross-section of Nigerians how much they think is too much to pay for ‘aso ebi’. Here are their responses:

N20,000 is too much for ‘aso ebi’ – Bola Olarere

Most of the time, we try to impress other people by doing things that add little or no value to us. The idea of ‘aso ebi’ has gone beyond its original purpose. For instance, it is called ‘aso ebi’, and therefore, it should strictly be for the family member (Ebi). However, because many people want to commercialise their events; they pressurise their friends to partake in things that are meant for only family members. I don’t really like the idea of buying ‘aso ebi’ irrespective of how cheap or expensive it is. I believe it puts too much pressure on people and it is a form of show-off. I have friends whose wardrobes are filled with several uniform fabrics that they do not need. People should be allowed to choose the type of cloth they want for an event. If someone should tell me their ‘aso ebi’ is N20, 000; I would decline.

Between N3,000 and N5,000 is fine – Nweke Chigozie

To me, ‘Aso ebi’ is a Yoruba tradition which has been adopted by other tribes. Today, intending couples try to raise funds for their wedding by selling ‘aso ebi’ and they impose it on their friends and families at a very high price. People who do this see weddings as avenues to generate funds rather than the real essence of the ceremony, which is to celebrate marital bliss. No one should impose ‘aso ebi’ on anyone. If friends want to celebrate with someone, the fabric should range  from N3, 000 to N5, 000 depending on the quality of the fabric. Anything higher than this is too much. Forcing people to buy ‘aso ebi’ is wrong and selfish. Wedding ceremonies, for example, is an invitation for people to be merry and raise funds.

It should not cost more than N55, 000 – Oladimeji Daniel Adeoye

The use of ‘aso ebi’ in our society is now seen as a form of competition.  Some people are ashamed if they can’t buy ‘aso ebi’ for an event. There is no need to force the use of ‘aso ebi’ on friends. When friends are forced to use ‘aso ebi’ and they are not rich enough to afford it, they may be constrained to get loans to get it. Personally, I think the highest amount ‘aso ebi’ should go for is around N50, 000 to N55, 000. When it’s getting beyond this price range, I will back out.

Above N50, 000 is not okay – Sontyo Jimin James

Spending N50, 000 on ‘aso ebi’ is fine, in my view. I have bought at that price and below it but may not likely buy if it costs more. People should not be forced to buy ‘aso ebi’ but the problem is that individuals are forced to buy it indirectly, because of friendship, for example, even when they don’t want it. Most of the time, ‘aso ebi’ is usually not of good quality; it is used as a fundraising mechanism. I have never been forced to buy ‘aso ebi’; I do it for friendship sake. However, it gets annoying when the person in charge of collecting money repeatedly reminds you of making payments for the fabric.

Anything above N30, 000 is unreasonable – Freeman Adeshina   

‘Aso ebi’ is traditionally worn in Nigeria and some West African countries as an indication of cooperation and solidarity during ceremonies and festive periods. Social media has ‘hyped’ the importance of ‘aso ebi’, the value and the price too. Most times, the market price of ‘aso ebi’ depends largely on how much it will cost. But I have seen cases where the couple makes the price too outrageous in order to make profit from it; that is bad. The price of ‘aso ebi’ should be kept minimal irrespective of how rich you are; it’s not a competition, there is a high possibility that one might not wear it again or for a long time. I can’t say precisely how much ‘aso ebi’ should cost, but selling ‘aso ebi’ above N30,000 is unreasonable. Also, it shouldn’t be forced on anybody because people’s financial capabilities differ.

N80, 000 is too much – Adekunle Oreoluwa

Personally, I feel N80, 000 is too much for ‘aso ebi’. Though it’s good for your friends to look very good on your big day, I don’t think one has to break the bank to get a nice fabric. There are very beautiful and affordable fabrics in the market.   The least amount I can spend on ‘aso ebi’ is N4,500 and it has to be ankara to be that cheap. Being cheap doesn’t mean the quality would be bad but the important thing is for it to be nice. I really do not feel ‘aso ebi’ is necessary, we all have plans and budget so if it’s not within my budget and it’s not convenient for me, I feel I should be allowed to wear what I can afford. At the end of the day, my presence at the event is all that matters; it’s not about buying ‘aso ebi’. As long as I am celebrating with them, I feel it’s a thing of joy. I have never been forced to buy ‘aso ebi’.

No amount is too much-Beatrice Okunato

‘Aso ebi’ is meant to distinguish the person celebrating an occasion and the family members from the others. However, these days, it is for everybody and people joyfully buy them to connect with the celebrant and show they appreciate and share in their joy.

I really do not think there is an amount that is too much to spend on ‘aso ebi’ as the cost and quality depend on the social class of the celebrant. One should know that any ‘aso ebi’ that costs more than your purse or social class is too much for you. I buy ‘aso ebi’ mostly when the event is within my family circle. It depends on my relationship with the celebrant and my purse. People should budget for things like ‘aso ebi’ based on convenience and the opportunity cost of other pressing needs within the family. You must not force your ‘aso ebi’ on people. By doing so, you just might be causing problems for friends and family members who are to rejoice with you.

N25, 000 and above is outrageous

Okoro Ijeoma Gift

People now use this tradition to enrich themselves. How can you organise a wedding, for instance, and want your ‘aso ebi’ to be sold for N25, 000 and above? It is outrageous.

A reasonable amount for ‘aso ebi’ should cost around N5, 000 to N10, 000 at most so that people won’t die paying debts because they bought ‘aso ebi’ for a friend’s wedding. In 2017, someone in my church was getting married and the ‘aso ebi’, which was meant to be used to sew ‘agbada’ (flowing gown), was N35, 000. A man in the church, in a bid to feel like part of the group, bought the ‘aso ebi’. He was a school bus driver and his salary was N40, 000.

He allowed himself to be put under pressure and he incurred debts. He has relocated to his village and I heard he owed a lot of people before he left. To me, ‘aso ebi’ should not be forced on people because it tends to put them under pressure.

Above N10,000 is too much – Chizoba Olugbue

From my little understanding of ‘aso ebi’, it is fabric that is sold to relations and friends attending an event so that they can look uniform there. However, these days, some people use it to generate money for the occasion; some people also go for expensive fabrics just to show off their economic class. It is supposed to be sold at moderate prices so that everyone involved would be able to afford it, especially if the event is a burial. For example, if it is a wedding or ordination, I can buy ‘aso ebi’ worth N10,000; but if it is above that, I may not buy it. So the least amount I can spend on ‘aso ebi’ is N1, 000 and the highest is N10,000. It is not wise to impose it on people because you don’t know their budget at that particular time. There was a time one of my friends brought ‘aso ebi’ for her grandmother’s 100th birthday to me. Fortunately, I had same ankara fabric so I told her that I would not be able to buy it but I would support her with whatever I had. She was angry; she left my house and refused to talk to me again, even at the event. I gave her an envelope containing N5, 000; my husband even bought one carton of expensive wine for her husband but she still refused to talk to me for a long time.

N50, 000 is too much- Olagbemide Damilola

The highest amount of money I can spend on a uniform outfit depends on my financial status at the time. However, in all honesty, I don’t think there is a particular amount that should be labeled as the least. The most important thing is to cut your coat according to your cloth.

In my opinion, it is not mandatory that one should use ‘aso ebi’ for a party and it is also not compulsory that one should buy. I think N50,000 is too much for ‘aso ebi’. I will totally decline to buy a fabric like that in my present state.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

At the beginning of every year, there is a common trend among upper and middle-class households in Nigeria: the house-girl goes for Christmas and does not return. This sudden change in the family dynamics causes an unexpected imbalance in how the household is run. The responsibility of getting the family operations running smoothly falls solely on Oga & Madam. In some cases, it’s really just the Madam that is running around packing school lunches, and getting the children ready for the day; but, we’re not going to get into the finer details of the balance of burden within Nigerian households. Stay focused, Atoke. This article is about the domestic staff and why they should have access to condoms and contraceptives in general.

Anyway, so usually, when these house-helps go away for the holidays, they never return. Sometimes, it’s because of unfair work policies or hazardous work environments. Other times, it’s because they’re seeking higher wages and trying to re-negotiate higher contracts with another employer. And many times, it is because they’ve gone to start a family. They’ve been married off, as young women from economically disadvantaged families usually are. Sometimes, the women ‘fall’ pregnant, and when they feel helpless and without options, they run away – or go back home. They go through the difficulty of pregnancy, alone, poor, disadvantaged, and with no prospect of a job to return to. The cycle of poverty continues.

The subject of the welfare of domestic staff is something that has been highlighted multiple times on BellaNaija. To a large extent, our readers and contributors have discussed the pros and cons of working with domestic staff in their homes. The good, the bad and the ugly – it’s all been laid bare on BN. However, addressing the sexual/reproductive health rights of domestic workers is not one that has been covered (to the best of my knowledge). And no, this isn’t about Oga Mike sleeping with Eliza the maid.

Upon bringing young girls (not the nine-year-olds that some child slavers traffic) from the recruitment agents or directly from the village, suburban women often carry out STD/HIV/ HepB/C tests on these young women. These tests are a condition to employment, and they’re generally carried out on maids/nannies, because, well … “I don’t want someone who will be taking care of my child to have hepatitis C.” Right or wrong, the sentiment is understandable (somewhat).

Alongside these medical checks for diseases are also pregnancy tests. Upper/middle class women ensure that they test their domestic staff for pregnancy – because they don’t want to hire pregnant house girls. Imagine if one company refused to hire you because you’re pregnant … the uproar would be out of this world. But, we do it to others. Privilege is a real thing.

Anyway, moving on swiftly: how can you help improve the efficiency of service of your domestic staff? How can you eliminate the risk of your house-girl running away after Christmas because she got pregnant? How do you ensure that your maid/nanny does not ‘fall’ pregnant and disrupt your regular family programming? How do you ensure that your driver is not impregnating all the women within his sex register?

Provide your domestic staff with sexual health education. Provide a wholesome welfare package for them that includes their sexual and reproductive healthcare.

Listen, your house-girl is having sex; heck, she’s probably shagging your driver, your gateman and or your husband (sex positivity), but only one person will most likely lose their job when they get caught: the house-girl. Because God forbid someone whose salary you’re paying, is having sex. Your gateman is having sex; your driver is working through his hoe-tation right now. So how about you provide them with condoms? Teach them how to use it (don’t assume everyone knows how to have safe sex); and have an open, candid conversation about the importance of practicing safe sex.

In addition, consider taking your domestic staff to the clinic for contraceptives. Now, before you roll your eyes at this, and gasp at what you think is an absurd suggestion, here’s where my mind is at: people will always have sex. Sex is enjoyable and pleasurable and it is not within the exclusive purview of people who earn a certain income. The enjoyment of sexual activities cuts across economic and social lines. Your domestic helps are having sex – whether with air conditioning or squeaky standing fans as ventilation; whether they’re doing it in the master bedroom, in the pool or in the shago behind the apartment … they’re having sex.

I believe that it is in the interest of all parties involved that sexual/reproductive health education is provided for domestic staff. They’re able to remain safe while having sex, and there’s no need for hiding or pretending like they’re not having sex. As long as they’re not having sex while they’re supposed to be watching 2-year-old Toluwanimi (even though some of you are having oral sex at your Zenith bank cubicles; remember, this is a no-judgement zone) ensure that your adult domestic staff are well equipped to handle their sexual and reproductive health affairs.

Finally, while we’re on the subject of being decent employers and all of that jazz, take time to speak to your female domestic staff about their menstrual health hygiene. Talk to them about how much access they have to sanitary pads/towels. If they need education on how to use pads, teach them. Don’t just buy a pack of Always and give them, assuming that they know how to use it. Sometimes, these women are coming from backgrounds where they only used washcloths. This is the reality of indigent women; please resist the urge to assume that they know or should know. Teach them how often they should change their underwear. Don’t just complain that your maid smells, and laugh at her with your friends during book club. That’s not nice. Take time to show them. The fact that someone came to your house at 28 does not mean that they’ve had the same exposure to menstrual health care, as you.

Provide condoms for your drivers and gatemen. If possible, find out where the primary health care centre in your neighbourhood is. Direct them to make regular checks at the clinics. You can even make it a fun activity; invite your friend who is a doctor to come to the house and talk about sexual, reproductive health rights with your staff. Someone taught you, pay it forward by teaching others. It is very easy to overlook these things, because of the shroud of secrecy that we have placed over sex. We act like it’s this big issue that nobody should talk about, when in reality … kini big deal? Two adults having consensual sex … kini big deal?

Remember, kindness is so important; please don’t violate their trust or privacy by talking about whatever they tell you. Also, don’t insist on being there when the doctor is talking to them. There’s an episode of Jenifa’s Diary that irks me to no end every time I think about it. Jenifa took her staff to the clinic to get HIV tests, and right there in the waiting room she asked them to disclose their results to her. In true, loud Jenifa fashion, she continued to violate their rights to privacy by screaming their test results at the loudest octave.

That episode was probably written to advocate for regular testing for HIV/AIDs, but the execution was piss poor.

Let us all do better.

Peace, love & cucumber slices.

Today, let’s throw it back to that time between the late 90’s and the early 2000s when reading a book was really a thing of delight for the Nigerian child. If you ever attended primary school or secondary school in Nigeria, then you should be able to relate to this.

Here are a few books I remember reading in my younger days. Do you remember them to?

Chike and the River: This book, written by Chinua Achebe, was written with the mischievous kids in mind because it was used to caution us at school. It tells the story of a young Chike who left his mother in the village to go to the city to study. He also achieved his goal of crossing the bridge to Asaba, and got caught up in a lot of mishaps: Missed the ferry, landed in a bus, and other conundrums.

Eze Goes To School: There is no way you didn’t read this if you attended primary or secondary school in Nigeria. I’m pretty sure some of us still have our copies at home (at least, I still do). A fine tale of how Eze left home to attend school, the struggles he faced and everything in between.

Without a silver spoon: This was one of the books that caught my eye immediately I saw it amongst my brother’s stack of books. One would imagine the author had, at some point in his life, experienced these things first hand. The main theme of the book is that ‘honesty is the best policy’ especially for preteens and teenagers who are exceptional at lying. Honesty is the best policy kids!

Joys of motherhood: One of my favorite books ever! Of course it had to be on this list. I fell in love with “The Joys of Motherhood” the moment it was handed over to me back in Secondary School – JSS3 to be precise. It was set in two parts of Nigeria, rural Ibuza, where traditional values and lifestyles were maintained, and the urban Lagos, where traditional values gave way to the pressures of Western education, capitalism, and the mixture of various cultures (Hausa, Yoruba, Ibo, and European). If you haven’t read it, you should cop your copy now via amazon.

Sugar girl: This one in particular made me bawl my eyes out. It is a story of a poor, sweet adorable village girl, Ralia who spent all day taking care of her sick parents instead of going to school because of abject poverty yet aunty wicked witch, Ayawa wouldn’t let Ralia be. I mean, the poor girl already had enough troubles to deal with. Why kidnap her again? As expected, sweet Ralia won the sympathy of our darling little hearts. The book kept us on our toes because one kept anticipating what would happen next.

This is all we have for today’s throwback Thursday. Which of these were your favorite(s) back then?

Is there any book you think we didn’t include on the list that you feel deserved to be included? Let us know in the comments section below.

Photo credit: Instagram

“If we can’t treat each other right, amongst ourselves, how can we expect the government or people in authority to have any tinge of respect for us?” – Atoke.

One would think that in order to move on from said horrible experience, baby girl would want to get rid of that last name and start fresh on a clean slate.

In a recent interview with Rick and Sasha, Drea tries to justify her reasons for still choosing to keep Robert’s last name.

When asked why she hasn’t dropped the last name Kelly, Drea  said: “Well, when people say association, that’s, like, a club or fraternity or whatever. I paid for my name in blood, sweat and tears. Literally. Nobody knows what it was like to be Drea Kelly. Drea Kelly is strong. Drea Kelly is a survivor. Drea Kelly made it away from Robert Kelly. That is my badge. I will not and I know people wanna think, ‘Oh, well, if the abuse is so bad, why keep the name?’ The name didn’t abuse me. Robert did.”

She also mentioned that if she had a commonplace last name, she probably would not be being interviewed by them on the radio right now.

In case you didn’t know, Drea has been part of a cast for reality show, Hollywood Exes, and has been featured on various daytime talk shows, in which she constantly recounts the abuse she endured, and her desire to help women who are going through domestic violence get the help they need.

According to Bustle, she once told hosts of The View:

“…that she had decided to start speaking out about the alleged abuse after seeing another woman on TV describe troubling incidents she says were similar to ones she experienced herself. “You cannot not speak when someone’s life and what they’ve been through is parallel to yours,” Kelly, who also goes by “Drea,” said in the same interview.

I wanted to bring validity to these women’s stories… So much of it falls on deaf ears and no one believes them… I was like, ‘If no one else is going to speak up for her, if no one else is going to believe her, at least she knows that I do.'”

While many have lauded her for raising awareness about domestic violence, others criticize her for choosing to keep her ex husband’s last name, insinuating that she is using that avenue as an opportunity to gain fame and profit from it.

What do you think?

Photo Credit: Surviving R.Kelly

In the spirit of celebrations, we are spotlighting some iconic Nigerian women in history who had a great impact on society in their time, and whose influence is still felt even today.

Queen Amina of Zaria
She was the first woman to become the queen in a male-dominated society. She expanded the territory of the Hausa people to it’s largest borders in history. Her leadership was in pre-colonial Nigeria, an era where men did not feel threatened when women were in powerful positions.  She refused to get married and instead took a temporary husband from the region of vanquished foes after every battle. It is reported that, she died in 1610, during a military campaign at Atagara near Bida in Nigeria.

Funmilayo Ransom- Kuti
She is popularly known as the first woman to ever drive a car in Nigeria, however; that is not all she achieved in life. Funmilayo was born in Abeokuta in 1990 to a slave returnee father. She received western education up to secondary school before pursuing further studies in England.

She emphasized the need for unity between elite women and the market women of the town, for whom she organized night schooling through a ‘ladies club’ that she established. She also constantly  spurred women to protest against colonial taxation and other unfavorable policies. Due to her political activism, she became the only woman to hold an executive position in political office during her era.

In 1978, Ransome-Kuti was thrown from a third-floor window of her son Fela‘s compound, a commune known as the Kalakuta Republic, when it was stormed by one thousand armed military personnel. She lapsed into a coma in February of that year, and died on April 13th 1978, as a result of her injuries.

Queen Moremi
Moremi Ajasoro, Princess of the Yoruba, was a figure of high significance in the history of the Yoruba people. She was a member-by-marriage of the royal family of Emperor Oduduwa, the tribe’s fabled founding father.

Moremi who lived in the 12th century, hailed from Offa, and was married to the then king of Ile Ife, a kingdom that is said to have been at war with an adjoining tribe who were known to them as the Forest people (Ìgbò in the Yoruba language, though the said tribe is believed by scholars to have had no relation to the contemporary Ìgbòs of modern Nigeria). Scores of Ife citizens were being enslaved by these people, and because of this they were generally regarded with disdain by the Yoruba city-states.

Moremi was a very brave and beautiful woman who, in order to deal with the problem facing her people, offered her only son in sacrifice to the Spirit of the river Esimirin so that she could discover the strength of her nation’s enemies.

She is said to have been taken as a slave by the Igbo and, due to her beauty, married their ruler as his anointed queen. After familiarizing herself with the secrets of her new husband’s army, she escaped to Ile-Ife and revealed this to the Yorubas who were able to subsequently defeat them in battle.

Following the war she returned to her first husband, King Oramiyan of Ife (and later Oyo), who immediately had her re-instated as his Princess Consort. In order to fulfil the pledge she made to Esimirin before embarking on her mission, her son Olurogbo was given in sacrifice to the Spirit because this is what it asked her for when she returned to its shrine.

The Edi Festival is said to have then been started as a means of celebrating the sacrifice the princess made for the people of Yorubaland. Furthermore, a number of public places are named after her in contemporary Nigeria, such as the female residence halls at the University of Lagos and Obafemi Awolowo University.

In 2017, Oba Ogunwusi, the Ooni of Ile Ife, Osun State, erected a statue of Moremi in his palace. The statue is the tallest in Nigeria, displacing the previous holder of that record (a statue in Owerri, the Imo State capital). It is also the fourth tallest in Africa.

(Fun fact, Queenmoremi.com founder, Moremi Elekwachi, was named after her )

Body shaming is becoming a major societal problem. People throw shade at you because of your weight, and make you feel inferior because your are fat or slim.

In my own case, I am slim and I really love being slim, as a matter of fact, I  admire beautiful  slim ladies like myself. However, I  have faced criticisms about my weight from well-meaning friends and relatives. Some will say: ”Ada, you are not eating well, see your bones are showing, your eyes have gone inside, your jeans no longer fit. Must your always slim fit your dress?” etc.

Psychologically, these comments are unhealthy because they tend to create an inferiority complex amongst us, as slim ladies. Sometimes I wonder why I am from this part of the world where your well-being is judged based on your physical appearance. There is an annoying stereotype about slim ladies being unhealthy and hungry. (rolling eyes)

In terms of dating and relationships, body image is also a factor, as most Nigerian men prefer their women with a bit of flesh, like big boobs and ass (pardon my language. Just trying to be say it as it is here). I have been in a relationship where the guy told me, babe my friends are making jest of me because you are slim, they are asking what I saw in you (story for another day).

Being a slim lady popularly called “lepa ” in Nigerian setting,  is something that you have to psychologically, emotionally and mentally deal with in a healthy way, or else, you might end up with low self-esteem or probably take drastic measures, like drinking pills which can be in the long run be very detrimental.

I have some tips to share with every slim lady who is body-shamed and called all sort of names. These are ways I have successfully  overcome the destructive criticisms, boosted my self-esteem, and made conscious efforts to love the body God has blessed me with on a daily basis.

1. Remember you are wonderfully made: Sounds like a cliché yeah? But I challenge you to take a look at yourself in the mirror and see how beautiful you look. I emphasise that you stand in front of a full mirror, and look at yourself from head to toe, appreciating God’s amazing work. You are made by the perfect GOD, meaning you are perfect.Nothing more, nothing less. Appreciate your body.
2. Always maintain an attitude of gratitude : If you are grateful for your life and the body that God has blessed you with, you won’t be feeling bad about your weight. Imagine the ill people at the hospital who struggle to even breathe. Who cares about their weight? How about corpses at the morgue? Nobody cares about their weight! While you are alive, live your best life.
3. Eat healthy:  Being slim doesn’t mean you should not eat healthy. Be sure to have a healthy diet. I am a picky eater. I also don’t eat too much, so I eat a lot of fruit in between my meals. I put in deliberate effort to always buy fruits –  especially apples and pineapples. When i’m not eating food, i’m eating fruits.
4. Wear clothes that fit you: As a fashion designer, I have a sewing machine in my room, which I use to amend my clothes to fit. I usually don’t  find my perfect size in the market so if i’m not sewing my clothes  to fit my body, I’m amending the clothes I buy. I advice every slim girl to befriend a good tailor. There’s nothing wrong with adjusting your clothes. Slay every outfit, queen!
5. Have a polite response to anyone criticizing your weight: E.g “thank you, I love being slim. It works for me.”  Period!
6. The right man meant for you will appreciate you:  You must have heard someone somewhere at some point tell you that no man will appreciate you because you are too slim.That’s a big lie! Besides, why would I want a man that is only focused on my physical features in the first place, without bothering to get to know my worth, and who I am as a person. Queens, the right man, who is meant for you, will appreciate you, regardless of your weight, height, race or tribe. Reasonable men are looking for content and not just a container. Remember that.
7. The body changes: For most women after childbirth, their body transforms. So enjoy your flat tummy while it lasts. As for me I want to remain a model, hahahahaha.

On a final note, LOVE YOURSELF. The moment you start loving yourself, taking time to know yourself, valuing yourself, then nobody can ever make your feel inferior.

If this article  resonates with you, kindly drop a comment.

Photo Credit: Ada

The year usually starts with celebration and resolutions; happy for a new year, the world is filled with optimistic people who resolve to be better, to do better in different aspects of their lives. Personally, one of the things I hope to achieve in 2019 is to create more awareness and support for causes I am passionate about. One of such causes is the reduction and elimination of domestic violence in Nigeria. In 2019, I am going to strive create a database of shelters and organizations that help victims of domestic abuse – across Nigeria. I want to collate a list where someone can refer their relative/ loved one to, in Minna, Awka, Iwo… anywhere in Nigeria. I want a resource center, in every city and town in Nigeria, where victims of domestic violence can find help. However, this is only a surface level treatment of an epidemic that has led to the loss of so many lives.

Domestic abuse is an insidious malaise in our society. It fragments homes and families; it leads to loss of income; it causes physical harm; and even more pervasive is the terrible negative effect it has on the mental health of victims (and their children, if any). So, before we go on to create this help centre for victims, I am going to try and unpack the different ways we (together as a society) can stop domestic abuse in Nigeria. How can we stop the perps? Hopefully, you guys can suggest other things we need to do, and together we can start the year on a great note towards the elimination of domestic violence.

Societal Conditioning
Growing up as a little girl in Nigeria, certain things were drummed into me: be decent, be polite, know how to cook, wear clothes that don’t attract men, don’t talk back to an adult, kneel down to greet… and so on and so forth. This litany of instructions on how to behave was further reinforced at school, in church, by the extended family members. Everywhere you go there is someone, somewhere, teaching a little girl how to grow up be a ‘good woman’. It’s not only subliminal, but also overt conditioning. However, there’s just not enough societal disdain for domestic violence. Children in a compound/neighbourhood see their neighbour beating up his wife and they hear the other adults snigger and say things like “that woman… only God knows what she has done again to make this man beat her.” It is right there, and in that moment that a little four year old child internalizes the message that domestic violence is the direct result of something that the victim has done. So, instead of saying “what did Mama Chinedu do to Papa Chinedu, this time” Look your children in the eye and say something like, “Look Phillip and Veronica, under no circumstance is it okay to hit your spouse.” Reinforce that message to your children, with the same vim and energy that you tell them not to sleep without reading their bibles, or the same energy you use to teach them that it’s important for a devout moslem to pray five times a day.

Asides telling your children that it is wrong to get physically violent, also show them. If they see you bumping fists with your neighbour who was slapping her husband the day before, they know that you’re fine with it, which in turn sends a message that it is okay. Once we start conditioning our minds from home, it extends to the larger society and to a large extent, it will have an impact on the quest to eliminate domestic violence.

Get Faith Based Organizations on Board
Saying Nigerians are extremely religious is stating the obvious. However, being religious is not a bad thing, if channeled for positivity. However, it is quite mind-blowing that the rate of performative religion isn’t congruent with good deeds in Nigeria. We’re basically living in a pit, with very badly behaved individuals who who don’t miss Assalatu or church service.

So, we’ve established that there’s an audience for leaders of faith based organizations. Thus, if there’s a message that we really want to pass on, and ensure it gets to the audience, it makes sense to pass the message to advocate for the eradication of domestic abuse via these faith based organizations.

Do the math: think of the volume of people who flock to church every Sunday in Nigeria – through thick and thin, through adversity and economic bloom, they are there. The pews are filled with people, waiting to hear from their leaders – the ordained ministers. If these leaders consistently pass the message urging people to stop hitting their spouses, I strongly believe that there will be a change. Imagine if at every NASFAT meeting, the Alfa has a recurrent message of “Don’t beat your wife/ don’t beat your husband/stop hitting your kids”

Pause. Imagine it. Think about mid-week service at your favourite church. Just before the offering bowl is passed, there is a segment where the Deacon gets up on the pulpit to remind parishioners that domestic violence is a dangerous societal ill and perpetrators will not get a place in wherever good, spiritual people go after they pass on…(You know how much Nigerians cling to the promise of eternal life with streets paved of gold and unending virgins)

Consistent messaging will create a snowball effect on the expected desired end. And this is just simple common sense, I’m not saying anything revolutionary here.

Reduce the consumption of judgement impairing substances
One thing I’ve often heard from perpetrators of domestic violence (and sometimes their victims) is “I didn’t really know what I was doing”, or “She usually gets like this after she’s had a few drinks” or “He doesn’t usually beat me, it only happens when he’s been to the bar”

Dearly beloved, wisdom is profitable to direct. If you’re prone to wildin‘ out, please reduce the consumption of things that impair your judgement. If you’re a regular cool cat, but for some reason you lack control when you’ve had a few puffs of weed or you’ve had a little too much to drink… stop it. Knowing yourself and your limits is a crucial part of being an adult. Excessive consumption of alcohol and narcotics will definitely have you outchea acting like you’re senseless. Next thing you know you’re beating your wife because she used the brown padlock to lock the gate instead of the black padlock.

Please have some sense, grow up and don’t kill someone because you lack self control.

Employers, Please F*ck Up the Bag
Some years ago, a relative was accused of beating his wife. Family lore has it that she went to the office and reported to his bosses. The company (a multinational) reportedly had zero tolerance for spousal abuse/domestic violence and it quickly terminated the employment contract that had taken the relative and his wife to Europe. I was pretty young when it happened, but I’ve never forgotten the story because I learned one lesson: if you want to stop someone from causing you pain, cut off their money supply as quickly as possible, if you can.

Nigerians love and respect two things: God (allegedly) and Money! In the quest to eliminate domestic violence in our society, we have to utilize both tools. The God bit can be taken care of by the spiritual leaders, as stated in point 2 above), but for the money, we need the employers.

If you’re an employer of labour, you should work in a zero-tolerance for domestic violence policy into the employment contract. If someone knows that their source of livelihood is going to be threatened, they may think twice before lifting that pestle to hit their spouse. If they know that the news of an attack on their spouse getting to the office means that they lose money, it may serve as a deterrent.

Furthermore, while it can be argued that offices should not get involved in domestic issues, it behoves every organization to ensure that they are not harbouring wild animals in their midst. A few years ago, a talented NFL player was arrested for the murder of his associate; the team cut him loose the day after he was arrested. He was at the peak of his career, a rising star only three seasons in.  The Patriots didn’t even waste any time in breaking that contract. One time!

If you lie with dogs, you might find yourself eating faeces. Corporations will do well to kick out any employees who are prone to violence of any form.

Therapy
Hurt people hurt people. It’s such a simple principle that rings true and deep. A lot of us Nigerians are walking about with so much internalized trauma. It’s so bad that we don’t even realize how deeply scarred and damaged we are. I’ve seen how people on social media boast about how they’re going to beat their kids, because they were beaten. They claim they ‘turned out fine’. No honey, you didn’t turn out fine. The fact that we have normalized violence and aggression is so worrying, because there’s a high risk of passing this to our kids. And this is the same with perpetrators of domestic violence. Often times, they have not unpacked the trauma from their childhood, or from everything they’ve experienced in life. They come into new relationships with all of that baggage and then start body-slamming their partners. They’re unhappy in their souls and they in turn want to suck out the joy from the person they’re living with. It’s a vicious cycle that can be broken with therapy.

I’m so happy that mental awareness in Nigeria is gaining a lot of ground and I really hope that it will increase at an even higher rate this year – not just on the level of middle-class and lower middle class people, but also among indigent Nigerians. Therapy is such a vital tool in the eradication and elimination of domestic violence. Talk to a certified professional, be honest with yourself. Understand that this is a thing that is dangerous and will not go away by simply ignoring it.

It is my desire that in 2019, Nigerians take these things more seriously. As much as we’re going through so much from the political elite, let’s look at the different ways we can help each other – both as individuals and as a collective. Talk to your friends and family members; talk to your staff; engage with people who can help you. Seek help and be open to changing.

If any of the above points do not serve as a deterrent against domestic violence, please note that assault and battery are offences under the criminal and penal codes of Nigeria. Further more, the Lagos State House of Assembly enacted the Protection Against Domestic Violence law in 2007. On a Federal level there is the Violence Against Persons (Prohibitions) Act of 2015.  Please do not hesitate to report perpetrators of domestic violence to the police (if you can’t report them to the HR manager of their company). If they tell you that it is a domestic matter and they’re not allowed to get involved in family disputes, channel the energy of a homophobic Nigerian when they’re reminding the world of the SSPA, tell the police and all who care to listen – DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A CRIME. IT IS YOUR JOB TO FIGHT CRIME.

PS:

Note down the telephone numbers above for help in Lagos state. If you have information on shelters and centers for victims of domestic violence outside Lagos, please send an email to features(at)bellanaija(dot)com

Happy new year!

In my opinion, Nigeria has a male-dominated society where women are subordinate, and not valued the way they ought to be. Whether rich or poor, urban or rural, educated or un-educated, we all still face the same issues. Here are some of the areas that give me cause for concern regarding this:

Marriage
Although, marriage is a highly valued institution in the country, the onus of making a marriage successful  seems to fall on women alone. Nigerian women sacrifice so much to keep the sanctity of marriage in order to avoid rebuke and dishonor, and the disgrace of divorce. This pressure is especially intense with millennial brides, as they do not want to bring shame to their families as newlyweds. Last I checked, marriage was a union between two people. So why don’t we have the same expectations for the husbands? Why does all the burden of making a marriage succesful tend to fall on the wife?

Housing
Getting an apartment as a single woman is a nightmare. Many landlords don’t want to rent out their apartment because they feel that a single female living alone is most likely a prostitute, or may owe rent because it is assumed that they aren’t financially secure.

Career
After a certain age as a woman, it is incredibly difficult to find a decent job, as it is assumed that the older you are, the more likely you are to get married, get pregnant, have a child, and have less time to dedicate to your job. So if you are a millennial woman in your early to mid 30s you’ve got tough luck in the job market! Hmmmph.

Domestic Violence
Is it just me or are the reports of domestic violence seemingly rising these days? There are so many stories of domestic violence. Increasingly, these have led to the death of the victims. And in most cases, these are actually moms or wives.

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God bless Nigeria! I love my country. But the way we treat our women needs to change! Only then can we truly celebrate independence – independence from sexism and misogyny.

The Reddit co-founder says he doesn’t mind at all that his wife Serena, is more widely recognized than he is. He also doesn’t mind being referred to as “Serena’s husband”.

A Twitter user asked if he isn’t bothered by this and he said, “I don’t mind at all”. He went on to explain that even if his latest venture grows to be one of the greatest of all time, it will still not compare to what his wife “has done and will continue to do”.

He went on to add: “I’m used to being the face of my companies, so I enjoy not being the “public-facing” partner in my marriage.”

I don’t mind at all. Only a few hundred million people use @reddit every month and only a small percentage of them know who I am. (Far, far more people have cheered for my wife; specifically, for the last two decades) just math.

See his tweets below:

This guy is #husbandgoals period.