So, before you roll eyes, hold up! This isn’t yet another trite article written by a Nigerian married woman who thinks her “Mrs” title gives her the audacity to advise unmarried women about how to snag a lifetime bae. Although I’ve known my husband for about 5 years, I’ve only been married for a couple of months. I’m in no way, shape, or form, a relationship/marriage expert. I can only talk about things from my OWN perspective. You may or may not agree with my views (and that’s okay!).
Anyhoo. So my inspiration for writing this article came over the weekend, when my Public Relations company helped organize an intimate youth empowerment event in which millenials (mostly women) got a chance to be mentored by Talk Show Host/women’s empowerment advocate, Jo Maxwell. A wide range of topics were discussed, including entrepreneurship, career, education, and relationships.
During the event, I witnessed a very interesting conversation that transpired amongst some Nigerian millenial women (probably in their early-to-mid twenties) regarding finding “Mr Right” and marriage.
One of the women present, a 24-year-old pretty Ibo girl who already has a thriving career (let’s call her “Ada”, expressed concerns about finding a good husband. Ada asked her peers present, as well as Jo, what it would take to find a man who wouldn’t be intimidated by her success. She also stated that she always wondered when/how/where she would find a husband, as she’s an Ibo girl and “time isn’t on her side.” In addition, she mentioned that she was under pressure from some of her family members to get married.
Some of the other women present at the event advised her to disregard the pressure she was experiencing and just be patient about finding a hubby. Jo also have her some awesome advice, and I chimed in as well.
After hearing Ada express her concerns about marriage, I felt the need to address this issue on my blog. Because these are concerns many single women face in Nigeria, and even in other parts of Africa, due to cultural beliefs tying a woman’s worth to her marital status.
Here is some advice on the issue from my own perspective. Again, I’m NOT a relationship or marriage expert. However, I believe that sharing my views about this issue may help someone out there who is worried about marriage.
My thoughts on finding the right husband are as follows:
Don’t look for him. He will find you
I believe that when you are truly ready to meet your God-ordained partner, he will find you when you least expect it. You don’t have to go hunting for a man. I really don’t believe that seeking love should be a stressful affair. Love yourself. Stay true to yourself. When you are ready in God’s eyes, lifetime bae will come. My hubby found me at the gym under less-than-sexy circumstances. Seriously. I was sweating bucketloads on an elliptical machine. I hadn’t showered. I had ProActiv pimple treatment cream on some parts of my face due to menstruation-induced pimples. I had not showered. I did not smell nice. But for some bizarre reason which I could not understand, he came up to me and started talking to me. We exchanged numbers and spoke once in a while purely on a platonic level, and we never saw each other physically until about a year after we first met. The rest as they say, is history.
If he encourages your success, he’s a keeper!
You don’t need a man who feels intimidated by your success. Rather, he should encourage you to be the best version of yourself in all areas of your life. Even if you are doing better than him financially or career-wise, he should be proud of you and keep encouraging you to excel even more.
If he’s showing signs of jealousy or a controlling nature due to the fact that you’re doing well, please run away fast and don’t look back. Do NOT think you can change him during marriage.
I once had a friend that experienced this same situation. Her fiancé had never liked the fact that she made more money than he did, and he was actually very vocal about his displeasure. However, due to pressure she had put on herself to get marrie at a certain age, she convinced herself that she could work on changing his mindset during the marriage. Sadly, this was not the case.
Under the guise of wanting to be her sole provider and be a good husband, when they got married, he convinced her to quit her six-figure salary job and be a housewife. And that’s when his true colours really began to show. He started to emotionally and physically abuse and manipulate her. Well, that marriage didn’t last up to a year, because she filed for a divorce after she realized that no amount of fasting and prayers would ever change him.
Don’t succumb to family pressure
Easier said than done in many cases, I know. But the truth of the matter is that often times, this pressure is exerted for selfish reasons. Many parents want to feel proud to tell their friends that their daughter is finally getting married. They want to organize an elaborate wedding to boost their own egos, sell aso-ebi, and just be all-round “extra.” Girl, remember that wedding only lasts for one or two days, and the marriage lasts for a lifetime! After parents, friends, and wedding guests have finished eating all the small chops, jollof rice, nkwobi, amala and gbegiri, they will go back to their own homes to their own families. You will subsequently be left alone with your husband. You may never even get any phone calls from many of your so-called “aunties” and “uncles” after the wedding to check on you to enquire about how you are coping in your new home. NOPE. Once they digest and shit out the small chops, you become a distant memory in their minds. So why get married to please them or anyone else?
I once heard about a woman who found out the day before the wedding that her husband-to-be (whom parents had “arranged” for her by the way) was cheating on her with an ex girlfriend. She told her mom she wanted to call off the wedding, but mommy was like “yo dude, we’ve paid for the hall, cake, food, people are attending from out of town, just manage for now and sort it out during the marriage.” LOL.
Anyways you get the point. DON’T MARRY TO PLEASE YOUR FAMILY. Do it on your own terms, how and when you want to do it. Who cares if you are over 30 and unmarried? Marriage is not a competition. Or an achievement. Don’t let family and society brainwash you.
Photo Credit: Dreamstime
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Stay tuned for part 2!
In the meantime, please share your thoughts on the matter in the comment section below…
